18%

On October 11th, 2012, I was told that even if I did every treatment available to me, I still had an 18% chance of not surviving, i.e., dying from my cancer.

I was 38 years old then, and my son was one year old. 

In 2012, there were lots of magazines in the many doctor's offices I went to that month. All with pink covers celebrating and selling breast cancer awareness. Every time I saw one, I would hear 18%. 

And so that month, I began to prepare. I scheduled appointments and figured out how to keep working with weekly chemo and the aftermath. I structured time so that I could try to be a mom. I filled all the prescriptions I needed for the first step, The Red Devil, or Adryamicin chemotherapy.

I shaved my head and bought lots of scarves along with a wig I never ended up wearing. I bought a beautiful cashmere robe, new Uggs, and a Kindle--chemo is cold and long. I set up my bedroom so that it would be neat and peaceful. 

And that preparation worked. It kept the 18% out of my head, and for the next year, it kept me in the realm of just doing one treatment after the other.

It wasn't until after chemo, surgery, radiation, more surgery, and then suddenly, shockingly, more than a year later, nothing. All done, apparently free from cancer, that the 18% started flickering back into my brain.

And that’s when yoga came in. 

I didn’t have a yoga studio then, I didn't even have a steady yoga practice. In fact, I hadn’t done yoga since my diagnosis–afraid of throwing off my treatment, embarrassed of my bald head and lack of eyebrows.

First, it was the planning that helped. Figuring out the days I could practice, signing up, reading up on the different styles available, and, yes, getting a new mat and yoga clothes gave me a sense of control in the same way that my cancer preparation had.

Then it was the physical. I focused. When I did yoga, I thought of nothing but what my body was doing. What muscle was contracting, and which one was lengthening? What would happen if I focused here or here? I grew stronger and healthier every day. 

I also grew curious. I wanted to learn everything about this body and figure out how to progress in postures I couldn’t seem to do. I enrolled in Yoga Medicine to learn anatomy and Jason Crandell’s Method to fine-tune cuing. 

I noticed that when I did yoga, everything else in my life was easier. I made better food choices, I was less reactive, I slept sometimes. I had a lot more energy and focus.

Yoga has been my Northstar ever since.